Revolution By Bumper Sticker

If revolutions were contested by the number of red yoddling column inches in white leftist rags or, better still, by volume of sticky, catchy, hella-funny bumper stickers, we’d have called up the Rapture by now: A Socialist, Anarchist, Nudist, Tattooed, Wind Powered New World Dis-Ordered. Voila!!!

Our direct democracy would run on vegetable oil and organic croutons; slogans like ‘Birkenstocks for every family!’ and ‘One Man, One Toke’ would be drilled into the populace by teams of blue eyed, dreadlocked twenty-somethings just off the rails from Idaho, rolling through all-white North & Northeast Portland in hotwired sound trucks.

Remedial Hairlocking classes would be taught at Grant High during summer school.

After militant protests, candlelight vigils and hunger strikes by the entire Alberta Street Last Thursday crew, Harriet Tubman Middle School would be renamed “Clarence Thomas Pubic School.”

SAT’s would be replaced with WAC’s (White Attitudinal Conformity tests).

Bumper sticker production would outstrip food, cars, and video games.

Rap would be the province of white skinheads with a “powerful, liberating message.”

Negro Culture would be taught by half breed, black hating Damali’s using PowerPoint and Blackberry’s to ‘educate’ well meaning white folks with tepid, kneeshaking, warmed over upchuck, and with one pinkie extended, pretentiously calling it “ART.”

God how I love Portland.

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