Hiatal Hernia

During my hiatus, I tried to get in touch with some of the dissonance inside of me. A pressure welled up in me, subtly at first. But then, I began noticing a gap between my ‘public’ utterances and what I was working in my personal life. And what I was coming to believe as this new intuition began bursting forth.

I realized that I was falling into patterned, negative behavior. My focus, ‘RACISM/WHITE SUPREMACY, was my bone and my teeth marks were gouged into it. At the end of the day though, where was I getting with my ‘riffing on racism?’ And where was I getting us??

I was fighting the good fight, but my blows were landing on gloves and elbows and were NOT penetrating my opponent’s defenses. It seemed the angle I was punching from was not getting me what I wanted which was victory.

Seeing some of my friends (and ex-friends) blogs this morning, I was struck by the monotony, the consistency of focus on what’s going on and going WRONG in our world. They speak in truths that are very true. However, visioning us out of the nightmare is the road less traveled.

“Life’s a bitch and then you die that’s why we get high, cuz you neva know when ya gonna go!” is the raison d’etre of this line of emphasis. I should know.

I’ve been guilty of the same.

The world is not the way that I want it to be – fo’ shizzle! I have no control over what it IS…other than to be the change…right, Ghandi?! Me thinks I have to change the game that I play. I have to be mindful that I am not becoming what I despise – in ANY way.

I look back on some of the things people commenting on this blog have said to and about me. I know what some of them meant. I have demeaned and attacked and tried to bludgeon some people into getting some real shit.

My intentions were fantastic, the best; but if you slit someone’s throat trying to save their life, (even if their politics are reprehensible) they’re still dead.


Life is what I’m interested in, living it at a higher vibration, joyfully, abundantly. Just cuz there’s misery in the world doesn’t mean one must wallow in it –In ‘SOLIDARITY.’

I used to believe that but I don’t right now.

And don’t get me wrong: I still despise racism and all the other ISM’s. I just hope to be less of a Kodak documentarian of it, and more of a bearer of hope and possibility.

Anything is possible.

7 Responses to “ Hiatal Hernia

  1. Well … the old focus was at least in part about trying to “decode,” as you once said, something which was/is going on. “Decoding” for that reason is useful. I learned a few things about decoding in general, and used this info to decode something completely different, as you know. I also learned quite a lot, just by observation, about managing controversy in blog threads (which you were quite good at).

    Now, having just decoded something else and being under the impression that, at least for now, I’ve decoded what needs it, I’ve decided my general focus should be pleasure and ease – which doesn’t preclude getting things done, including political things,
    or saying the occasional Piercingly, Rivetingly Intelligent Thing. 🙂

  2. P.S. and only obliquely OT: I just re-saw a video – political analysis video – which had a phrase in it I thought you’d like for other reasons: “Fear is a paralyzing gas.” I liked the gas image, invisible, yet permeating.

  3. MaxJulian- so happy to see you back posting… Ihave missed your blog and insights and that said am leaving my lurking status behind to ccmment.. I have been thinking about the whole bludgeoning thing… I recently killed a few friendships in the name of confronting racism and have been wondering about what that means… I pissed of some potential allies by calling them out on some racist behaviors — I just wasn’t down with fellow white folks making racist comments and jokes about black folks and with all the grace of a bull in a china shop challenged some close friends – in the process bludgeoning the friendships to death… Anyway, that said… I wonder if it would have been better to reserve that criticism…. especially now I wrangle with the institutional racism of the foster care system … a far greater evil than the vapid, nasty comments of individuals… but then I was working on living the change I want to see.. which would be each of us ending our complicity with racism (and other isms) in the day to day… anyway, random, thoughts inspired by your post.. take care

  4. Thanks for the comments ya’ll. Yes, Z, decoding is where its at and its a lifetime deal, a process. The great sax artist, Sonny Rollins, said: “it took me years to learn which notes not to play.” I’m tryin’.

    BWB, its a tough call when dealing with ignoramuses. If somebody says something straight up inappropriate, I’ll let them know – sometimes. But often I’m in observation mode and I don’t feel its my job to check every racist asshole out there. There aren’t enough hours in the day. Then when you factor in sexism and homophobia…DAMN.

    Oh, Z, the ‘gas’ image is actually very good. My hero, James Emmanuel, used the metaphor of a Star Trek episode where friction and their accompanying feelings among the crew were visible as clouds that floated through the air and passed through people. Emmanuel feels that racism is in the air we breath.

  5. Tell us more.


  6. […] Onwards and upwards, right? thefreeslave is back from hiatus, so y’all make sure you’re reading. With a new agenda, he’s looking for ways to be setting the positive agenda and not get stuck in reaction. With this in mind, he looks at the Kramer fiasco and the N word. Part of his argument (go read the whole thing, I’m not gonna summarize) rests on how social violence underlies linguistic violence. Simply, that the slur of degradation derives it’s power from the economic, political, and cultural degradation enforced by other means. The N word means something because White folks have historically made black people live in conditions to match. […]

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