Letter to Aulelia

Aulelia,

No human being is wrong in seeking love from any source. Understanding all of the things around it – the historical/personal history and context is key to me. I think I’m hearing you say that. So, no, I don’t think black women are wrong to seek love in other men.

We are all ‘in-process.’ I’ve sought love in places previously that I don’t plan to seek it in the future. Experience, trial and error, youth, not knowing any better all played a part in those decisions. I assume that’s mostly true for all of us. We have to allow each other some slack for being human – for being people of color who mean well but who travel unpopular paths, who sometimes fuck up.

After all, every fuck (and every fuck up:)) is an opportunity for growth!

We have been and frankly, are, incredibly willing pawns today. Someone profits from us being fractured and irreconcilably enraged at each and estranged from each other. Those of us who can forge new relationships based on understanding the past and each other – must do so.

I am very glad to be talking to you about these issues.

That inferiority complex that you speak of destroys the character of so many of us, disfigures us. We hide behind myths designed to cripple us. Vulnerability, authentic feeling and expression breeds healing: stereotypes, armor and hardness breeds disease, traps the infection inside, perpetuates the dysfunction.

There are no SUPER men or women, only black men and women who have suffered and endured, twisting and contorting themselves to deal with madness, with oppression. Those adaptations that helped us survive slavery, today, enslave us, keep us stuck in behaviors, attitudes, stances that further the internal conflict that the oppressor stage manages from his media conglomerate. We were gifted this legacy and we are the ones who have to alter and end it.

We are all victims; but we are not all builders of a new relationship with each other. That takes healing and wisdom and distance from one’s own pain. Those of us who have progressed to that point have a chance to do that work.

I hope that we can continue to speak with each other and teach each other. I’m not where I want to be by far. Maybe we can help fill in each other’s blanks.

Take care

Maxjulian

2 Responses to “Letter to Aulelia”

  1. thefreeslave,

    thank you for your interesting reply.

    ”We hide behind myths designed to cripple us’ — exactly! you hit the nail on the head here. this is why the N-word, light skin/dark skin pejoratives are in fact like the cane that we use to walk. they are continuing our state as a invalids.

    do certain black women & men cling onto the stereotypes (such as black women are always angry, whoopi goldberg doppelgangers & black men only want trophy wives) about each other in order to still claim an identity? i don’t know. i do know that not every black woman is angry yet society is more than happy to wait for her to erupt when something doesn’t go her way. that isn’t fair but it is reality. maybe i just need to suck it up and live with it.

    You stated ”After all, every fuck (and every fuck up:)) is an opportunity for growth!”
    – I second that! Learning from our past mistakes or experiences creates a new stage for us to start anew.

    you noted ”Those apaptations that helped us survive slavery, today, enslave us, keep us stuck in behaviors, attitudes, stances that further the internal conflict that the oppressor stage manages from his media conglomerate”
    – I agree with this sentiment in the sense that some black people are still stuck in this whirlpool, unable to get out. Maybe all of us won’t get out and maybe that is the way fate wants it. Maybe some of us are supposed to be tragic examples, highlighting the danger of allowing ourselves to play ‘follow the leader’. However, I think people like these are the ones who have ‘dumped’ the struggle; the young black men and women who don’t want anything to do with other black people because they want to ‘climb the ladder’. They are the victims incognito, they might as well be shadows in a Greek tragedy.

    discourse is the first step to putting Dettol on our wounds. i am proud that so many black people are bloggers and are talking and listening to each other. maybe one day our grandchildren will look back and think ”they made some real strides”.

  2. Aulelia said: “…the N-word, light skin/dark skin pejoratives are in fact like the cane that we use to walk. they are continuing our state as a invalids.”

    That’s a hell of way of putting it – but so true!

    Some of us are so caught up in our stereotypical, skins that we don’t even recognize the need for discourse. The society lays traps for us so that we will erupt, will be caged; that’s what the prison system is there for.

    The real strides the you speak of will happen in large part, when we have the courage to drop the myopic, “my hurt is bigger than your hurt”/”I’m blacker than you” insanity and just locate our most human, individual selves. When we stop ‘playing to the crowd’ and be in that soft spot that’s in every one of us, maybe we will talk with each other, have that long overdue discourse.

    But some folks have to model that maturity and perhaps we can do that.

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